Dolor Comedenti

Early in the morning on January 4, my sixteen-year-old daughter ran away. There’s a year long story that brought us eventually to this, but the reason ultimately was that she was afraid that we were going to lock her down for bringing weed in the house. Previously, she’d told us that she thought we handed out punishment while we were still angry. Knowing this, we have made an effort to not make any decision about consequences while we have any feelings about whatever it is she has done. There have been no severe repercussions for her behavior since we came to our understanding last June–there has also been no behaviors that needed anything but mild to moderate reprimand. Despite this pattern, she could not wait until morning to learn the outcome, so she left.

She was gone until January 12. She did not come home on her own, she was found by the police.

A day or two before she ran away, she started dating her ex-boyfriend again, but because we were not aware of that, the police did not go look at his house until the 12th. He lives with his older brother and his mother. His mother, who previously told my child that she’d always wanted a daughter, did not report that she had a runaway at her house. Not to her parents, not to the police.

Well, you might ask, maybe my daughter told her that she was suffering some kind of abuse at home? No, she did not. She told her the truth.

She also offered to adopt my daughter. The adoption laws in the state of Texas make this impossible, at least until she is 18. I would have to either have my rights terminated or willingly give them up, neither of which would ever happen. She suffers not even a little abuse or neglect, and Texas does not terminate rights until it becomes a dire situation, to the detriment of many children (I am not touting this as a good thing, I am stating a fact).

While she was gone, I knew that she was alive and believed herself to be safe. One of her friends passed that along through her mother, but said she didn’t know where she was. Despite that, that week and 2 days that she was gone were hard, and are hard to describe. I was definitely dissociating, badly. It was like being in a depression but being detached from the feelings associated with the depression. Waking up, taking care of the animals, getting ready for work. Going to work, doing my job, sometimes eating enough. Coming home, taking care of the animals. Reading some, keeping myself busy, showering, going to sleep. My husband had to be out of town the week this was going on. We spoke on the phone frequently but I was alone a lot. Everyone wanted to talk to me, especially once it was posted online and shared hundreds of times. I went through the motions of life that week, but kept emotionally detached from myself. The feeling of the pointlessness of carrying on that depression brings but not actually feeling the despair that comes with it. Knowing that she knew we were worried and that she was hurting us. Seeing idiots having stupid shit to say on the posts. I learned that a 16 year old with nose rings is a sign of bad parenting. I learned that when a child runs away, it always means that something is wrong at home. Of course these things are not true. Someone called my daughter a freak show. I also want to point out that this post was shared hundreds of times, it went across the country. The posts that I saw, the only people that said things like this were ones that live where we live, somewhere in East Texas. I want to go home. Home is Houston. I also want to say that the parents of a runaway should absolutely be questioned, as well as the child when they are found. We were, she was. She also has a therapist with a duty to report.

So now my daughter is home. She is 1 day from graduating from her self-paced high school, and 1 week from her seventeenth birthday. What this means is that she can legally leave home, and she would no longer be a runaway. The things that she would give up by doing so would be us gifting her a car, getting her license before she turns 18, all of her basic needs (and practically all of her wants) met and having a safety net in place anytime she needs anything at all. The privacy of her own space, which she has had since she was 5 years old. She is also accustomed to having people around her that will adjust their lives to accommodate her needs.

She has decided to move out after she turns 17. Next week. I started writing this 2 weeks ago but have put off finishing it. I probably won’t finish it today. She is moving into her boyfriend’s house. Her plan is to move in there until her best friend turns 18, then they want to get an apartment together. After her friend graduates, the plan is to then go to another small town for cosmetology college. Her college will still be paid for, her cell phone and health insurance will be covered. This was not a preferable outcome but it became a hurtful and possibly scary outcome when she said that in a couple months, her boyfriend would be moving out of the house with his friend and she would be remaining there with his mom–the one that always wanted a daughter and was willing to hide her from her parents.

This is an unsettling situation. An adult woman wants my 17 year old daughter to move in. Yes, she is her boyfriend’s mother. It is still strange. My daughter has a history of people becoming infatuated with her. I don’t mean boys, that is not even worth a mention for a pretty, hetero teenage girl. She had a friend when she was 10 or 12 who started dressing like her, cut her hair the same, wanted my daughter at her house all the time. The girl’s mother started to get obsessed, as well. The mom may have cut her hair, too. I don’t remember. My daughter had haircut that not many girls at her school had, it was long on the top (only to just below her ears) and shaved below. They started making up lies to get to see my daughter. I have always let my kids choose their friends and learn the lessons themselves, but I have never been wrong. They know I have never been wrong. She cannot hear me when I say there is something wrong with this grown woman wanting to move her in, even let her live there after the son moves out.

I don’t think that it will last long. This lady doesn’t understand the difference between daughters and sons. The new hasn’t worn off and she hasn’t been presented with the rougher side of my daughter yet. And my daughter has not experienced what this woman may be like when she doesn’t act how she wants her to. That is what makes this scary. How will this woman react when the shine wears off and she gets the 17 year old attitude or her indifference, her depression or tendency to like time alone? She has been raised in a home where she can ask questions, have different opinions, speak up if she feels disrespected, set boundaries with the adults, never a ‘because I said so’ family. There’s nothing I can do and she can’t hear us. If this woman was a man, this would never be an option in her mind. Women aren’t always safer.

I vacillate between anger and pain.

All that shows is indifference and irritation.

I can’t bring myself to be different, despite knowing I should.